Mountain Dew: Pitch Black II

You know...there's a sucker born every minute. And almost 27 yrs ago there was one born with my very name...which umm..happened to be me.

At the supermarket the other day, with GREAT HESITATION, I bought a limited edition pack of soda. There it was, this intriguing purple case of mountain dew sitting on top of thirty other totally normal green cases. Just one left...or more likely, the only one even shipped to the damn store. "Mountain Dew: Pitch Black II" it was called...what an amazingly shitty name. Even shittier than the orange flavored "Mountain Dew: LiveWire". Oh yeah, it's the shitty sequel of the equally bad "Mountain Dew: Pitch Black" that came out last year at the same time. The tag line is "BACK WITH A SOUR BITE!". Wow, go fuck yourself PepsiCo ad department.

You know when a father says to his kid - "Son, I'm not angry with you..I'm just extremely disapointed." That's exactly how I feel here. I trust that swirly, energetic red and green logo to stand for quality, and they let me down. When I drink from one of those cans, I WANT to feel like screaming "DO THE DEW!" at the top of my lungs and then jumping out of a plane with jetpacks while being chased by an alien spaceship with three of my most radical mountain dew drinking friends. Not this time...not this time.

I can't even bring myself to post the Hate-o-meter. On the Disappoint-o-meter it's an 11 out of 10. I think I'm gonna go cry.

Comments

[jordan]

My condolences on your loss.

[bandelin]

you know jordan...i have no idea who the hell you are so I don't give a damn.

just kidding pal. apparently you're the only one now who gives a damn about this piece of shit site.

for that i thank you.

[TheJones]

I hate all Mountain Dew. Doesn't it lower your sperm count?
Just think, we can have a bad tasting cola party and I can bring the Diet Chocolate Fudge Soda still sitting in my fridge!

[Bandelin]

Dude, I'll take that yellow sugar water with natural flavors over kids any day.

[sutter]

shouldn't you have stopped drinking that shit when you fired a ball of mountain dew calcium out the tip of your penis?

[TheJones]

I thought we were unclear as to whether or not it came out of his penis or broke up with ultrasound.
Remember, he had a problem with sifting through his urine like it was a stream full of gold.

[bandelin]

everybody can stop talking about my junk now.

And it was NOT an ultrasound james. DO I look like a pregant woman to you? They did blast it to pieces with sound waves, and then an hour later pissed out bloody gravel. Does that paint a nice picture for ya?

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